Falling Away

oh dear, i am so sorry about that last post. you see, i was on the brink of breaking down and always when i am, i tend to write a little about it because, as i have said previously, paper, or in this case, a lit up screen is by far a better listener than any person in the world. but,i have decided, that until now, my blog has been a place to vent out feelings that i am afraid to express in front of certain people based on past experiences. but, i have thought about it, and i have decided that, if nothing is ever going to happen, fine, let it be that way, and if i want to talk about it, it has to be confrontation with whoever it is not with the bloody screen.

and now, i am sick of hope. hope is a dreadful and uncertain feeling.hope is vague, hope is cruel when things don't turn out the way you want them to in the end. so, now onwards, hope is a contradiction, you are hoping ( somthing that is uncertain) for something in particular ( something that is certain) to happen. because the only thing predictable and certain about life is that it is unpredictable and uncertain, i am going to abandon hope and accept whatever comes in my way. sad though it may be, in the very least it does not cruelly disappoint after a long wait. in this way, there can only be a pleasant surprise and anything unpleasant will hardly ever be a surprise.

i am sorry if no one understood what i have said and i understand if no one understood what i said because today, i am talking in circles and going no where. i am writing for the sake of keeping my mind thinking to avoid it from becoming conscious of the deep hurt in my heart. that is what i do when i am sad. thinking is my escapism, i think when i am sad. my dad knows this, he realizes that when i talk to him about deep, intellectual and philosophical stuff, i am sad inside. he is very good, he knows how to handle this.

from now on, i will not blog, till i am happy again or till i am ready to give up happiness in the pursuit of happiness itself.